Child Humor


Go to fullsize imageI just thought I would share a little funny story that happened last week.  It’s still making me crack up!  I hope it’s not one of those, “you have to be there” moments.  I wasn’t there and I think it’s hilarious, but I know everybody involved.  Here goes…

Part of dealing with this whole bedrest thing means that Tomas has had to get a little creative with his work schedule.  Unfortunately, that doesn’t include never showing up.  So, last week while Zack was at Kindergarten, he took Anson and Gret to work for a while.  I know, that’s probably not the most productive move, but at least he could gather some paperwork to bring home.

There they were at work.  The kids love going to Daddies work.  They feel very important and really like to visit all their grown up friends there, not to mention they know where the candy dish is kept.  They were so excited.  It just happened to be a day though where Tomas’ bosses boss was there (can you follow the hierarchy?) for some pow-wow.  We’ll call him “The Big Guy”. Normally, he works out of an office on the other side of the state. 

“The Big Guy” is a pretty friendly guy and went into Tomas’ office to say hello to the kids.  To preface what happens next, you have to know a physical description of this guy.  He’s a bigger guy in stature with a “generous” potbelly.  He has totally silver/white hair.  Now Anson, who is definitely not our shy boy, goes up to “The Big Guy” and repeatedly pats “The Big Guy’s” belly. 

“Wow!  You have a great big belly!”  Anson exclaims.  “You must have a baby in there like mommy!”

Everyone in the office gets a little chuckle and Tomas turns a little red from embarassment.  BUT…Anson was not done yet.  Seeing as how he had a new interesting friend, Anson states out of no where later (Bless my little boy, for he knows not what he does), “Your hair is really weird.  I don’t like it.”

How’s that for tact?  Tomas wanted to crawl out of the room.  However, that would have been difficult since Gret was so freaked out by “The Big Guy” that she was clinging to him like a teary baby opossum.  What are the chances that “The Big Guy” okays a decent raise for Tomas this year?  It depends on how much he likes kids, I think!

Go to fullsize imageAt Zack’s 5th Birthday party the other day, we had a lovely statement about womanhood out of the mouth of a beloved 3 year old friend.  It still makes us all laugh and reminds us that you never know what goes on in a child’s mind.

We had just sung “Happy Birthday” and I was cutting the cake, there was a little moment of quiet amongst the kids as they all waited for their cake and icecream.  I guess the quiet was too much to bear for one little female friend because out of no where we all hear, “I have a VAGINA!” 

All the kids started saying either “Vagina!  I don’t have a vagina!” or “I’m a girl.  I have a vagina.” or some even just kept repeating the word “vagina” and giggling.  The adults really didn’t know what to say.  Do you draw attention to it or just let it ride it’s course?  You don’t want a girl to be embarrassed about the word vagina for goodness sakes!  She was proud of being a woman at the young age of 3!  Anyway, that little icebreaker made for a few minutes of kids shouting the word “vagina” and giggling.  It was good fun.  Not something you would expect for party conversation at a little boys party, but that’s why some of us had to leave the room laughing in sheer mirth.

Now anytime there is a lull in our conversation, Tomas or I will just blurt out, “I have a VAGINA!”  It always lightens the mood and restarts the conversation.  Thanks to our little buddy, we have new found social skills that are sure to last a lifetime.  Try it out…

Go to fullsize image  The Olympics have finally begun!  We have been so excited over here at our home.  Why?  I am really not sure.  We just love to watch the Olympics and follow the stories of athletes both young and old reaching their dreams.  Even when an athlete doesn’t place where they would hope, you have to admire their commitment, courage and love for their sport/s.  I can’t even modify my diet for a month, much less stick with any regimented training for most of my life.  These people are committed and so are countless parents that have supported and followed their children to the ends of the Earth to chase their dreams.  It’s really amazing to see what people can accomplish.

These Olympics have been especially fun to watch because both Zack and Anson are old enough to get into the competitive excitement.  When we were watching beach volleyball today for a short while, we taught them that if the ball hits the ground the team scores.  So everytime they saw the ball land in the sand, they would pump their fists in the air and yell score.  Swimming was just as fun, but harder for them to pick out who they liked best because you couldn’t really see the caps/colors in the pool.  Gymnastics was a tense moment for them as well, as they waited for the guys to fall (or not).  It was very interactive viewing with them.

What I love most about it, is that it inspired them to “try” several of these new (or new to them) sports.  It also was a great opportunity to talk about how hard everyone was trying and it was great if you won, but wasn’t it also awesome if you just finished?  Teachable moments, I tell you what!!  Well, after watching a little of the games, the boys created their own Olympic venue in our backyard. 

The first event they created was the hurdles.  A particular favorite of Zacks but not so much of Anson’s although he follows along trying to keep up with his older brother.  They have done this in the past, but today there were more hurdles and they were taller and wider than usual.  Zack has long, limber legs that are great for running and jumping so of course he won all the medals.  Anson also got medals but if he were truly running a track meet he would have been disqualified every time because his little pudgy legs could never jump long enough so he settled for sort of hopping past them off the side when he came to them.  The hurdles were things like rows buckets, riding toys, and rigged up jump ropes.  This event was a little stressful for mom because 2 days ago, Zack received a bloody nose (again) from attempting an indoor version of this.  He’s been obsessed with this event ever since the time trials were on tv.  I have a hard time squelching this interest.

The next event was a version of volleyball that involved no net and simply hitting big bouncy balls to each other.  3 bouncy balls were in play at one time and if any of them hit the fence around our yard, you scored a point.  They would pump their fists and high five each other any time one of them scored.  It didn’t matter that they were technically on different teams.  Any success was a shared success.  Gret tried to get in on the action but was quickly distracted by some flowers that were blooming.  Her attention span is still about 3 minutes long at 18 months.

Volleyball then led into some gymnastics on the swing set.  They would swing from the board above the top of the slide to propel them faster downwards.  At the bottom, they would jump up and kind of “stick the landing”.  If you couldn’t stand up, you lost.  Then they created their own version of the rings on the hanging bar of the swing set.  It involved pushing each other on it and then jumping off mid-air to land.  Anson created this really wild game he called “rocket” (if you know him in real life, you would know that rockets are a very popular theme for him).  They would both straddle a swing (there are 2 swings that are side by side) facing each other and try to hit each other or avoid being hit, by pushing back and forth with their feet.  Giggles quickly turned to tears when they actually slammed into each other.  I am not sure who won that competition.

We all got into a rousing game of soccer after dinner.  Tomas was kicked out of the game because he kept getting to caught up in the action.  First he broke one of the pickets in the fence when he shot a goal.  The goal was an area of the fence.  Then he went a little overboard and kicked one of the bouncy balls HARD at the goalie, Zack.  Zack bravely took it in the face which resulted in crying and a small amount of swelling.  He did save the goal though, and shook it off fairly quickly.  Tomas was ejected from the game for illegal moves at that time.  What we did notice though, was that Anson is AWESOME at soccer.  What a good little offensive player he is.  At 3 he can dribble with both feet while running full speed and then will even attempt to shoot from the outside into the goal.  When he just takes shots on goal, he dribbles at full speed and without stopping will kick the ball with amazing aim into the goal.  He’s better than me at this point.  Do I see a potential soccer star here?  We can dare to dream.

In all, the boys Olympic games lasted 4 hours total!  We couldn’t believe it!  Who says a little television can’t be beneficial?  (I like that reasoning, don’t you?) Once they watched a sport for a couple minutes, they would run out the door wanting to try it.  Who am I to stop their dreams of medals and “goals”?  Of course, our backyard was a total mess at the end of the day, but that’s beside the point.

I think it’s important that children are exposed to any and all extra-curricular activities throughout their school years.  Involvement in sports, music, dance, clubs, and other arts have consistently shown to increase a child’s focus, improve self esteem, and provide important positive character traits such as honesty, commitment, and fair play.  When children have to transition from middle school to high school or even to a whole new school system altogether, being part of a unified group such as a sports team, music ensemble, or club will allow them to feel secure in the support of this smaller unit.  When they have goals that can only be reached by working with others and taking care of their own bodies, it creates a sense of responsibility that can prevent them from delving into some not so “nice” activities such as drug use or sexual promiscuity.   After all, they won’t want to let the others down or weaken themselves (or at least that’s what we hope!). 

Let the Olympics be a possible spring board to explore your childs interests.  If they are interested in a certain activity, let them try it out or go to watch a local similar event so they can know that it’s out there waiting for them.  Be sure to watch for Zack running the hurdles and Anson playing soccer in the 2024 Summer Olympics.  I just hope I still look good when they feature us in the boys mini-bios and that I don’t have a really ugly cry for joy while on camera.  I am a VERY VERY ugly crier.  That’s my Olympic goal, to look pretty while crying in 2024.

Go to fullsize imageWell, we have been potty training Anson for some time now.  Let’s get one thing straight, he knows what he is doing.  He can go pee, pee on the potty.  There are just a couple things that have stood in the way. 

First of all, he is a very, very stubborn child.  Once his little mind grabs on to something, he will just not drop it.  So, if he decides on any given day that he does not want to sit on the potty, he will scream, whine and pull out the old wet noodle trick to avoid his inevitable fate.  Which brings me to my second challenge.  I just do not have time for his shenanigans.  I mean, really, who has time to sit and negotiate pee pee for 2 hours when you have 2 other children creating chaos around the home?  They need supervision too before anyone gets hurt.  My solution has been, I simply put him on the potty kicking and screaming.  Give him some reading material, read to him for a few minutes, and if nothing happens then he’s done.  He gets off the toilet to try again 20 minutes later. 

Surprisingly, because he is so stubborn, he has a bladder made of steel.  He can go into lock down for hours.  Then he gets cranky because his back teeth are swimming.  Anyway, there has only been 2 accidents during our potty trials.  He now wears underwear all day long and will go on the potty himself most of the time.  Thank the Good Lord for that!  Do I hear an “Amen!”?

Well, believing that my little cooperative Anson was fully trained.  I took him to the store for the first time in unders, no diapers.  I waited 20 minutes while he sat on the potty before we left, only to have him produce a couple drops.  I persevered thinking that his bladder of steel would come in handy.  It was going to be a quick trip, after all. It was 7pm and the kids had to get to bed by 8pm.  (I am sure that you can tell where this is headed.)

All four of us, headed for the mall.  I packed the 2 youngest in the stroller.  Zack walked.  Did I mention that our destination was a clothing store for women?  Did I mention that I didn’t feel the need to bring in the diaper bag?  I just had to pick up a gift for my sister, I swear it was supposed to be in and out.  The minute I walked into the store, things went crazy.  Kids were crawling out of the stroller, hiding under clothing racks, playing tag behind the purchase counter, etc.  It was absolutely insane.  Then I hear Anson say very loudly from under a clothes rack, “Mommy, I peed!”

Oh goodness!  If you could hear heads turn, you would have heard the roar of a thousand winds as everybody in the store turned and looked at me.  What did I do?  I acted casual and slowly “browsed” my way over to Anson’s clothing rack/out house.  I peek under.  There is pee everywhere.  He is drenched.  It was obvious that his bladder could hold it no more.  There are standing puddles of pee in his Crocs.

I refuse to panic and this is not helped by the fact that Zack feels the need to lecture Anson very loudly about going pee pee on the potty and not in the store.  More looks of disgust pierce the back of me.  I attempt to act casual.  I need a plan, an out that will not create more of a pee pee mess than has already happened.  Ironically, I notice that we are only about 10 feet from the Restroom entrance.  Nice, Anson.  Only a couple more feet and at least we would have been on hard wipeable floor instead of carpet!

I formulate a plan.  I pick him up by the arm pits.  Hold on to those overflowing Crocs, Anson!  Phew, we barely make it without spilling more.  I do a head count.  Zack, check.  Anson, check.  Gret….where’s Gret?  Oh yeah, she’s still out in the store standing in the stroller with my purse unattended.  I run out and quickly move the stroller next to the bathroom door.  I prop the door open a little to keep an eye on her while I empty Anson’s shoes and strip off his soaking wet pants/unders.  Now what?

I can’t take him out in the store and walk all the way through the mall with a child in soaking wet pants.  It has already started to stink and Anson is not comfortable.  I quickly decide that Zack must take off his underwear and give it to Anson so at least everyone’s privates are covered.  Zack thinks this is hilarious and willing gives up the goods and replaces his shorts.  I find a garbage bag that’s empty and shove all the wet items in it.  His clothes and everything are just dripping everywhere they were so wet.  Thank goodness for a disposable plastic bag at that point. 

I clean the bathroom up as much as I can from Anson’s pee pee.  I buckle him in the stroller in his pantless state and try to calm my adrenaline as I pay for my item.  I almost pulled off some sort of semblance of sanity too.  Except children don’t believe in being discreet.   Zack relates to the cashier, “My brother was naughty and went pee pee in the store, right there on the floor.  Not in the potty like a good boy.  It was a really big stinky mess.  He won’t get a treat.  I had to give him my undies and now my penis is loose in my pants.  It feels silly.  I’m 4.”

The young girl looked at me in shock.  I just shrugged my shoulders, handed over my money and wheeled my half clad screaming, peeing crew through the mall and back home before any other incidents.  I guess it’s good that this incident didn’t happen at a craft store.  It probably would have tipped the scales and we would have been banned for life.  Instead, we live to shop another day!

It was really one of Zack’s “best” moments, not Bette moment.  However, it is really strange to me that he came out with this after all of my thinking about the Divine Miss M speaking to me. 

Zack came up to me and said, “Mom, do you know why we won’t ever have a tornado here anymore?”  He has been all about tornados or “swirly winds” since we had tornado watches and warnings around West Michigan.  Granted that was about 2 months ago, but the whole concept stuck in his mind.

“Hmmm….because we live in a safe place?”, I threw out a random motherly answer.

“No,” Zack replies seriously while placing a hand on my shoulder.  “We don’t have tornados here because God knows that we have a new swingset.”

“What does our swingset have to do with tornados?”, I ask.  Believe me, I know that his mind has been working away at this one.

“Well, God doesn’t want to swirly tornado winds to lift up our swingset and take it away because we would be sad.  See, it’s okay mom.  God is watching us from a distance far away all the time.  So no more swirly winds.”

The look on my face must have worried him after that second to last sentence since he asked me if what he said was right.  I think it was all squished and twisted up in a “you’ve got to be kidding me!” look.  I haven’t even talked about this whole thing aloud.

From a distance, I just can’t make this stuff up!  Zack is becoming my little philosopher.  You should hear his take on life after death.  It involves dinosaurs, the center of the earth, beaches, palm trees and an island.  Should I be worried??

Go to fullsize imageThere are some very strange and disturbing phenomena occurring over here at our house.  The clumsy curse continues.  For those of you who don’t know me in real life, you may not be aware that my family has a little bit of clumsy built into our genetic code.  I am not sure what gene it’s on, but I have found it to be a dominant trait.

This crazy clumsy gene has now appeared in our little Gret.  Somehow, somewhere she has managed to chip BOTH of her top front teeth!!!  I am so angry!  She just got those teeth and they are already chipped.  You can imagine how extremely gapped tooth she looks now since that’s another family trait from mama.  I guess it was her turn seeing as how both of the boys have had chipped teeth for a couple years now.  But man, we didn’t even get a 1 year old picture with her new pearly whites and to top it off, we don’t even know when this occurred!  There has been no blood shed or crying.  She’s obviously a tough little cookie.

So as of today, all 3 of my children have fallen (thank goodness, they all got up) on their faces and have broken teeth.  At least you can see the resemblance between the 3 of them.  All three have smiles that resemble a boxer.  Gret’s smile is the best…2 little nubbins of teeth that are now little sharp triangular daggers.  We’ll have to look at those for the next 6 years, but you can bet that her breast feeding days are seriously numbered right now.  Imagine getting bitten by those pointy things.

Go to fullsize imageWell, I have been working on collecting some information on essential oils and aromatherapy uses.  I get a little bored with the same scents and I really don’t know much about how to mix the different oils together for different uses for baths or cleaning beyond lavendar and tea tree oil.

Anyway, as I was trying to find a good reliable website to reference, my children were playing in the same room.  They were jumping around and acting silly.  When suddenly, Zack “tooted” (a.k.a. farted).  “Uh Oh, Excuse me!” he shouts.  Anson falls on the floor in belly laughs.  Zack continues to jump around laughing as well.  I hear another little stinker slip out.  They both die laughing again.  Meanwhile, I am dying from the aromas.  The pattern continues, Zack expells loud odiferous tooters and they both squeal with laughter.

I decided this is some kind of aromatherapy in itself.  It definitely was a natural scent and it had an emotional response.  I think it’s the cheapest aromatherapy you could ever find for your 4 and 2 yr old boys.  It was really effective in cheering them up and making them feel happy.  However, I caution the user of this method: aromatherapy through tooters does have mixed results.  While the children were rolling on the floor laughing, I was disgusted and passed out from asphyxiation by my computer.  I don’t think that the mixed response was due to age differences because my husband has the same response to tooters as the kids.

Meanwhile, I am still trying to find some recipes for aromatherapy.  I will let you know what I come up with once my mind clears from this methane hangover I am suffering from.  Feel free to try the above method, that is, if you are man enough.

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