My frustration level this morning is beyond compare.  I can hardly contain it.  As of a couple hours ago, I couldn’t.  I was in tears.  My body is frustrating me and I can’t seem to fix it.  There’s nothing I can do but sit and wait.

I started bleeding again last night.  Not just a little bit.  I had to change clothes.  I had to sit in the bathroom forever.  Just flushing my fears.  It was the bad color.  You may not know this, but there are good and bad colors to blood when you are pregnant.  This was bad.  Very bad.  Especially when you are 13 weeks and you are supposed to be healing up.

I debated.  I couldn’t sleep.  I waited 4 hours.  It continued.  “Why was this happening?  Why now?”  We were just getting optamistic.  We had finally told everyone that we were expecting this little peanut.  How hard would it be to pick up the phone and make the calls to say that it was done?

I finally got up and went to the ER.  Again.  I have a lengthy record there now.  It was 4am and I was exhausted.  I layed on the sterile hospital bed staring straight ahead as they put in another IV yet again.  I am getting used to this, I think. 

Thank goodness, the ER is slow.  I am the only one there at the moment.  I am rushed in for an ultrsound after they take all the required samples.  The ultrasound tech has a 4 month baby and had severe bleeding just like I do all through her 1st trimester.  She gives me hope.  We watch the baby bounce around.  Healthy and developed in all the right places.  Now only if my uterus can hold it there, safe and unharmed.

We look as the scan moves slightly to the side.  I can tell the hematoma is different.  It’s a different shape and it’s right there, big and ugly next to the babies sac.  The ultra sound tech says that can happen and may not mean something horrible.  We will have to wait for the results.

It only takes about 15 minutes for the doctor to return with the results.  The hematoma is larger.  It’s not good.  It’s not healing as it should.  They consult with the on-call ob/gyn from my doctors office.  I have met her before and trust her opinion.  She says to go home, and stay in bed.  There is a very great chance I could miscarry soon.  It’s large and it’s scary there inside my uterus. 

I manage to keep in most of my tears until I sign my discharge papers and go home.  I am so frustrated.  There is nothing I can do to fix it.  There was nothing I did to cause this.  It just happens.  I want to know “why” it has to happen like this?  I don’t think there is an answer and that is why I am so frustrated.  There is nothing to do but sit and wait.  A true test of patience.

So, I crawled into bed trying to catch up on sleep and hopefully to catch a ray of hope to get through today in a positive frame of mind.  Hopefully, time will heal this wound.

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