Go to fullsize imageI have decided to keep a list of all the crazy, idiotic things you do or say to show the world “YES!  I am a mother.  I have gained 3 children and have lost my mind in the process.” 

Here’s my own personal list.  Yes, I have done or said these things (and many more, I am sure) to show that my dendrites are not always firing at full speed.

1.)  While tutoring a male college student, he asked where the restroom was located.  I replied, “It’s down the hallway on the left.  Please hurry but use your walking feet and be sure to wash your hands after you pull up your pants.”

2.)  While in labor for the 3rd child, I shouted “Oowee!  OOOOWEEE!” for an hour instead of anything “harsher” because I didn’t want to use naughty words.  My husband thinks it’s the funniest thing he’s ever seen.  A grown woman in transitional labor pains worrying about using naughty words.  At least I know that even under pressure, it takes a lot for me to crack.

3.) When a high school student you are tutoring comes back from using the restroom (a totally different day than #1), you ask if “everything went okay and if they washed their hands when they were done.”  Even after they respond with a very strange look and a tentative “yeesss…”, you don’t catch on to how strange your question was.  Instead, you congratulate them by enthusiastically saying, “Good Job!! Give me a high five!!”  I think I officially scared my students.

4.) You go have dinner at your brother-in-laws house on Memorial Day.  You cook out, kick your shoes off and relax as the kids are running around in the yard.  It gets to be a little late and all the kids start to melt down.  They are obviously over tired.  You quickly gather up all your kids and head for the door (they don’t have kids of their own yet and look a little overwhelmed with your zoo).  You are about 1/2 way home when your husbands cell phone rings.  It’s his bro, whose house you just left.  Your hubby is asked, “Is your wife wearing any shoes??”  Hubby looks, you look at your own feet….nope, no shoes there.  You remembered everything but your own shoes and you wouldn’t have noticed any different if no one had asked.

5.) You get a little bored while sitting outside watching the kids play and you begin to see the images of famous faces in the stretch marks on your legs (You are wearing shorts).  If that’s not weird enough, you attempt to use a ballpoint pen to outline the said face to show someone later.

6.) You get really excited when your husband gets home.  Not because you are so head over heels in love with him or because he lights up your life every second of every waking hour, but because the gourmet hot dogs and mac & cheese you ate for lunch has made it’s way through your system.  Now that he’s home, you can finally go upstairs, take 5 minutes and perform a quality poop in private.  As an extra bonus, no little creature will be asking if they can see it to analyze it’s color, content, and size.  On the downside, no one says “good job” or gives you a high five.

That’s the short list.  I may be adding more later.  There’s always, always more…