new years eveAlright, I have to say that New Year’s Eve is my nemesis.  I am not a fan.  I have problems with looking back on the past year (not just this year in particular, but any year).  It is always so bittersweet and I tend to keep analyzing and overthinking what I coulda’, woulda’ or shoulda’ done.  This usually results in me sitting on the floor watching a stupid New Years Eve countdown show while sobbing and wiping away endless tears.  Just a little bit of anxiety/control freak coming out every year.  My dear hubby, Tomas, even has the beginning of this lovely display timed to start between 7pm and 7:30pm EST.  New Years is a lovely time.

This year, we had Tomas’s siblings and their spouses come over for food, drinks, and games.  It was a great time and we continue to embarrass and learn about each other through these times of slightly drunken conversation.  And wouldn’t you know it, 7:30pm EST came and went.  Without tears and without a meltdown.  Maybe it was because I was distracted by the good coversation or because my Rx meds were increased due to some post partum issues this past year.  Mix those babies with a glass of wine and you really chill out fast.  (I admit that sounds really bad but it’s true).  When that ball dropped at midnight, I thought that I had beaten the odds.  Not a tear had fallen on my watch.  Not even a very sweet call from friends celebrating out of state to check on me, swayed my tear ducts into putting out a little drop.

I went to bed at 2:30a happy and healthy.  I had done it.  I had killed the beast of burden once and for all.  Victory was mine for the taking.  Then in a moment of Heineken induced stupidity, Tomas asked “So what were the highlights and lowlights for you in 2007?”  Yeah, not too brilliant.  I suppose it was bound to happen.  I began to review.  I began to second guess.  What did I do this past year that made a difference?  What have I contributed to this world?  Did I keep ANY of last year’s resolutions?  If I died today, what would people say at my funeral?  Would anyone show up?  These questions rolled around my head as I recapped the past year.  Hmmmm…..I couldn’t come up with anything earth shattering besides squeezing a life from my body for the third time   But I quickly discarded that as a momentous undertaking because I rationalized that even sixteen year olds on crack manage to do that somewhat successfully.  My eyes began to feel really moist.  I got a little catch in my throat.  I stopped talking and started crying as Tomas drifted off into his beer marinaded mind.  Stupid, Stupid beer!

Today I am still in my severe funk.  I am lethargic and moody.  I have about 20 million goals for this next year. One of which is to not let New Years beat me again.  I am resolving to have no resolutions or expectations for 2008.  I can hardly keep up with my daily life of being mother to 3 little toddlers, a wife, and friend to anyone, much less some stupid resolution that I make in a fit of anxiety and depression.   Resolutions are my devil.  I am going to try and navigate this year without a map and see where it takes me.  It might take me straight to Crazy Town but hopefully I will be laughing uncontrollably instead of crying at the start of 2009.  I might be in a pretty white coat with cute metallic strappies and laughing but at least I won’t be crying.  I will just have to remember,  if I can utter a sound it must mean that I am still alive and that should be noteworthy enough.