Go to fullsize imageWell my friends, it’s been a wild and interesting week.  I took a few days off from blogging to regain some perspective and instead ended up in a PPD tailspin.  My break from the general outside world started pretty well.  I slept a little more, relaxed a little more, watched a couple movies with the hubby at night, and in general took it easy.  Sounds great right? 

Well, after day 1, Tomas gets called to go out of town to work on some project for a couple days.  So much for reconnecting with the spouse.  The kids were cranky and Gret was not sleeping well in her bassinet (she has really taken to this cosleeping arrangement.  Go figure 🙂 ).  So much for quiet time.  And my work prospect for the wintertime crashed into a million pieces.  So much for “me and my goals” time.  As you can see, it didn’t end up being the best time to look inside and come to terms with my inner self.  I couldn’t even handle my outer self (There was a 3 day span of no shower.  I know, gross!).  By the time Tomas was home from his work trip, I was spent.  Done.  Finished.  Out of my mind, stressed and depressed. 

He came home and I went to bed.  No, not in the fun way.  In the sleepy, can’t move way.  I slept from 6pm until 6am the next day.  Straight through with only a couple breastfeedings to wake me for a few minutes.  I woke up still tired.  Still down but at least not so stressed.  I think Tomas spent his time alone wondering what the heck happened while he was gone!  The long rest was wonderful, but the following night I ended up sitting awake all night while my mind raced and I tried to plan something for the future.  I just wanted something I could plan on!  Anything at all would be nice… 

It’s times like these that I wonder how I will ever keep myself together.  Keep my life together.  Who signed my up for this insane adventure? I tend to have a controlling side and I have been learning through motherhood that life is beyond our control.  This is my unending battle inside.  I want to follow a particular plan for life and nobody else seems to know about it.  Repeatedly, I run into detours and obstacles that I am forced to deal with.  I get frustrated and angry.  The question “What about me?  What about what I want to do?” comes into my head incessantly frequently and then I feel guilty for being such a selfish beast.  Is this the endless mom cycle?  I need it to stop because it’s driving me crazy!  No, I won’t go crazy.  Don’t worry about my children or husband, they are safe.  I just have to continue my little battle inside and come to terms with the fact that every day is a new adventure and it probably wasn’t the adventure I signed up for.  Hopefully, it will at least make for great writing.  If I can ever find enough time to write it all down!

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